Walking like an American…

I wish I could make one understand how it is to live inside my head. 

Could you imagine going through life with an image in your head of yourself and then walking by a mirror or seeing a photograph and being shocked?  Surprised?

That would be me.

In this head of mine I do not look like that image in the mirror or that person in the photograph.

Seeing these more concrete images sends me reeling.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I know I am fat.  Obese.  Morbidly Obese.

But I don’t feel that way in this head.

I want my outside to look like my inside feels it to be.

Yesterday I went to the gym.  I was careful with my tender back (which is doing much better, thank you) but still I was able to work up a sweat on the stationary bike and do enough reps on different weight machines to feel like I was getting some where.

I feel so normal inside…and then I walk by a mirror.

Oh, yeah.  I’m fat.  Got to remember that.

I spotted this on my walk to the office after working out at the gym.  I was tempted to pick it up, but I knew the weeds would have stayed behind and all I’d have was a pen that prolly doesn’t even work.  So I took this picture instead.

That’s exactly what it looked like.  For real.  In my head.  And in this picture.

If only it were this simple in my head, too.