Everybody dies…

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson.

Ed McMahon was 86 years old.  86 years is a long life.  Hearing of his death was not a surprise because he was 86 years old.

Farrah Fawcett was 62 years old.  62 years old is not old.  62 years old is not young, but dying at 62 years is not a long life.  Farrah Fawcett had a fatal disease.  We knew her death was on the rise, so we were not shocked when we heard of her death this past Thursday.  We knew she was sick, in pain, and dying.  Our hope is that her dying ended her pain.  We can’t know.  So we hope.

Michael Jackson was 50 years old.  50 years old is still in the realm of a "young" age.  Michael Jackson’s death came out of nowhere to us (much like the shocking news of Heath Ledger’s of last year).  50 years old is still young.  And Michael Jackson has died.  We hope his death brought him mental, emotional, and physical peace.  We hope.

I am only 48 years old.  I am not yet 50.  62 is still a long way from 48.  I hope to live to 90 — 4 years longer than Ed MaMahon.

Yet I think of dying every day.

I have a mental illness that brings such thoughts to mind every day.  Every day.

Every day.

Sometimes the thought passes.  Sometimes it dwells.  Sometimes it plans.

Always it hurts.

Even with medication the pain is still there.  Medication helps.  I think rationally.  I know I don’t want to die.  I plan for the future.

I work towards better health and fitness.

I work towards making my home an oasis.

I have a puppy.

I think of writing that book.

I think of the grandchild I don’t have yet.

I think of me and my husband, old, and taking late afternoon walks in our neighborhood.

And I think about death.  Wondering what it would bring. 

Would it bring me peace?

Only by dying will I know the answer.

If I knew…  if I knew then maybe I wouldn’t think…

Not knowing is part of why I haven’t.

I don’t know where the end of my pain is and so I keep at trying to overcome it in this life.

This life of mine.

Is my mother at peace?  My grandmother?  A childhood friend?

I don’t know.

I struggle for peace in this life.

I struggle.