Maybe the baker really is a knave…

Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub;
And who do you think they be?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick maker;
They all jumped out of a rotten potato,
Turn ‘em out, knaves all three!

So recently I suddenly got a hankering for a cupcake.  A fresh delicious cupcake.  At first hankering I’m thinking, no, I prolly shouldn’t — but then I rationalized wanting one because I was awakened three times the night before with low blood sugar — my body must need this cupcake I’m jonesing for.  So I drove on over to a local bakery that makes the best cupcakes ever — except when they’re not.

The back-story:  So there is this locally owned bakery and caterer in Lexington that really does make awesome cupcakes.  I’ve had them at events and parties; and I’ve purchased a few of them every few months or so, too.  They ran about $2 each, but were totally worth the treat.

Well, a couple of months ago I picked up a half dozen of them.  I brought them home, made a fresh pot of coffee, and then served them to myself and darling hubby.

We took our first bites and looked at each other at the same time because the cupcakes were dry.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re expecting a delicious moist taste of cupcake and instead it is dry? 

Putting them on a damp paper towel for a few seconds in the microwave improved the texture, but they definitely were not fresh baked today cupcakes.  Did we take them back?  No.  They weren’t awful, they just weren’t fresh.  And besides we’d had fresh and delicious cupcakes from this local baker before — we figured this batch must have been the leftovers from the day before. 

We knew all about stock rotation practices from our own work experiences in the food industry.  And since I’d just picked up these cupcakes for our breakfast it just made sense that they weren’t baked that morning.  We didn’t take the stale cupcakes personally, but knew we’d make sure to get the freshest cupcakes next time.  "Baked fresh daily," doesn’t say all of the product being offered for sale were baked today — only that they bake fresh daily.

Because, really?  Don’t you just hate it when you’re expecting a delicious moist taste of cupcake and instead it is dry?

And now the more current event:  I pop into the bakery for a cupcake and take notice of the cookie case, too.  Pumpkin chocolate chip?  Oatmeal raisin?  One dollar each.  And I’m thinking that these are prolly gonna be the best cookies I’ve ever had in my life.

At the cupcake case I lean over to quietly ask which of the cupcakes are the freshest today (not that there was even any other customer in the store that would have heard me).

The owner tells me he bakes his cupcakes fresh every day, but I smile and say back to him that no, because…

And then all hell broke loose.  Okay, maybe not hell,  he wasn’t yelling, but his voice did go up a couple of notches, and the way he was went off was really out there.

What?  You got a bad cupcake so now you know I don’t bake mine fresh every day?  Fine, you just take these cookies at no charge and get out of my store (and he shoves the cute little box of cookies at me).

Seriously.

And I say no, that I’ll pay for the cookies, and that I’m sorry, maybe those cupcakes were just from a bad batch —

But he’s on now, and it’s all about how proud he is of the fresh product he makes and sells every day and then I come in here and insult him in his store and in front of his wife —

*sigh*

Now there is a girl sitting on a low chair behind the cupcake case and she’s been smiling from beneath a baseball cap through this whole interaction.  So I’m thinking that this must be the girl who has waited on me before because I have never seen this guy at the bakery in the half dozen or so times I’d been there.  And I’m thinking she’s smiling because he must do this with his customers all the time.

Honestly, because I’m thinking SOUP NAZI!

And so I say that yes, I can see her sitting there smiling, and she says she is smiling because she can’t believe I’m standing here arguing with her husband and that if I don’t like their cupcakes why don’t I just leave.

What?  I didn’t think we were arguing.  I wasn’t angry or loud.  He wasn’t especially loud or angry sounding.  And really?  Did I say I didn’t like their cupcakes?  I’m thinking all of this in my head and he is still carrying on and on and ON!

So I try to say that okay, I shouldn’t have said he doesn’t bake fresh every day, I should have just said that we got some that were a little too dry (because I’m am still thinking this is some kinda SOUP NAZI game) —

And he’s all, no, you meant what you said, you chose the words you used so don’t get all passive-aggressive on me now because I grew up in a family of passive-aggressives and, and, AND!

Now he was loud and waving a cooking utensil around, too. 

Man, I don’t think this guy is a SOUP NAZI at all.  OMG!  I’ve been buying cupcakes from a crazed baker?

A baker who is maybe so embarrassed that he was called on for selling some stale cupcakes that he tries to turn the problem back onto the customer?

A customer who just wanted one of their fresh delicious cupcakes instead of another dud? 

So I’m all, well never mind, thank you, I’m leaving now.

And in my car I’m just about explode from all the laughter inside my head.

So I went home and had some yogurt.

What?  You haven’t heard of The Knave Diet.  It’s all the rage.

Maybe I should hire this guy to just lay wait for me in my kitchen?