WTF?

The following arrived in my work and personal email at approximately noon yesterday (03-31-07).  It was totally unexpected.  Initially I was so shocked and distraught that I shared it with one of my workmates who also chose to stay "in house" for lunch.  After the office closed (and I had a few hours to truly absorb the email) I shared it with another workmate and the three of us talked it over for some time in private.

The email that prompted this post is bold and red  and I’ve altered any names I’ve changed or deleted from my friend’s email, as per my usual practice when posting.  Any email responses from me are in blue.  (Other emails from her and reprinted here are red and italicised.)   I’ve not responded to this email.  I see no point.  This is what she had decided after our being friends for nearly two years.  I’ve already invested so much time and emotion in building this friendship with her (and her family).  Why would I want to invest more in its dissolution?

Why am I taking such pains to respond to it here?  We all know how personal our blogging can be, but despite this we put it out there for all to see.  And there is something to that.  Public journaling provides such a sense of release.  I choose to remain anonymous to the general public, but many friends do know of my blog.  Some are even blogmates I’ve met in "real life."  Most of you are strangers, but I thank all of you in allowing me to pursue this release.

WARNING:  Long post ahead, better get the popcorn made before you settle in.

(Token’s name here, comma.)

First I need to say I am sorry for the way I treated you.

I have to say I am feeling uneasy being around you, I on one hand, know for a fact that God doesn’t want me to be mean to anyone. And that He hung around sinners, He showed love that He had for them, and He wants all His followers to behave as He did. But, I can’t talk to you the way I talk to my other christian friends. Therefore I can not truly be me. I have found myself more than once pouring out my heart to you, and you don’t have a clue as to what I am talking about, because you are not a believer. Then I feel stupid.

(My dear friend has always "witnessed" to me.  In the past several months she’s been more intense with her attempts to convert me from Judaism.   I’ve always managed to keep neutral on the subject, and polite, and patient — because it was only one aspect of my relationship with her and I refused to let it divide us.  She’s not the only non-jewish friend I have that has made an effort to convert me, but she is the most intent I’ve ever had.  I don’t know why pouring her heart out to me makes her feel stupid.  I’ve never belittled anything she presented to me.)

I don’t want to really give you the false impression anymore that I don’t have a problem with you inputting your beliefs in my children, because I do. I will not allow it. I am a Christian and as long as they are under my roof, they are going to be raised totally christian.

(I’ve have only answered questions that she or her children have asked me.  And her children have only asked me four questions: 

"Do you go to church?"  

"No, I go to synagogue, but not as often as a could." 

"What kind of bible do you have?"

"My bible stops here (and I point out the "New Testament" section to the child)."  

"Are you a Christian?" 

"No, I’m Jewish."

"Jewish?  What’s that?"

"You know when you learn in Sunday School about Moses (etc.) ?  Those are Jewish people.  I am Jewish like them,"

The kids always ask me the same questions when they even ask.  I give the same answers and they just carry on with whatever they were doing before asking me.  Seemingly satisfied with my answers.) 

That means (Dovely) also. I will not allow her to spend anymore nights with you, so please don’t ask. I should have never started that, that is totally my fault and I am sorry for the pain I have put you through. It by no means was not fair to you, for me to allow you to get that attached her. Then yank her away. I know it hurts, and for that I am truly sorry. I was totally selfish and only thought of myself. And what I was going through not considering, how emotionally attached you would become. That was not at all fair of me.

(Okay.  *sigh*  A few weeks after Dovely was placed in my friends home as a foster child she calls me to come over for a visit and she admits to me, 

    * she is overwhelmed with the addition of the newborn to her family (now recall that she had just adopted one foster child that spring, was expecting to adopt the second that fall, and a third this year) because she now had 4 children under five years of age (4, 3, 1, and the newborn, Dovely).

    * she is unable to bond with Dovely.  She says she has tried and tried, but she just doesn’t have the feelings for her that she has for the other children. 

    * she says to me "If I knew for certain they would place her in your home I would give her back to foster care."

And I was totally floored.  And all "really?" Because I was so in love with this child.  I wanted her to be my little girl so badly it made my heart wrench.  I had bonded with this baby like she’d come from my womb … and I could go on and on…but it didn’t matter.  I talked to my husband and we signed up for foster to adopt training once again!

And so Dovely would come to our house for visits, sleepovers, baby sitting, whatever.  It was wonderful. 

And then a few weeks later my friend started to avoid me, stopped offering the baby for visits or sleepovers.  When she did have me over Dovely was most likely napping in her room.  I asked her more than once if something was wrong?  If we were "okay"?  And she always said yes, we were fine.  And being me (with my personal history) and knowing of the legal trouble her two oldest boys were in (She has three children by birth, only the youngest is still in the home.) and I’m thinking maybe she’s depressed.  You know.

So one day I take over something for her kids and her hubby comes to the door to receive it and I ask him if my friend is feeling better.  He tells me she is fine.  So I tell him that she hasn’t been herself around me lately and that I thought she might have been depressed … or that I’d done something she wasn’t ready to talk about.  He asks, jokingly, if I have done something and I tell him I don’t know because she’s not talking to me.

And then I get this email from her the next morning so now this post is getting even longer — if you’re still hanging in there YOU MIGHT OTTA GO ORDER A PIZZA. 

(Token’s real name, comma.)

Hi, I am writing to let you know why I have backed away from you some what. I love you as a friend dearly but it seemed to have gotten to the point that you were trying to control my life over here. For instance at first it didn’t bother me much when you first suggested that I shouldn’t allow (Dovely’s birth mother) to come over so much. But, then after a while you became a bit more pushy about it to the point that I just felt that I had no choice at all. Mostly for fear that you would turn me in. I really don’t like being pushed into corners especially in my own home. I have a feeling that you may not have even been aware of just what you were doing. But it really got to me bad. I ended up being angry at (Dovely’s birth mother) for no reason at all, she just wanted to be around me and her little girl and feel some real love. I ended up hurting her for months on end for nothing. But, the other evening I allowed her and only her to come spend some time with us. And this time she hasn’t taken advantage of the situation because she hasn’t called to ask to come back or anything. Just called to say hi and was in a very happy mood. I have been in a very ugly rotten mood for a while because I couldn’t be the person that I like to be. Loving, nuturing giving. And that could include you if you would not ever do that to me again. I also am a lot like you and (your husband) I don’t like company ever day. I love to see you just not daily. 

Oh before I forget tell (your husband) he doesn’t have to get papers anymore after today. because one of my children I pick up is right on campus right next to the paper machine. Ain’t life grand?

I love you

(my friend’s real name)

http://raptureready.com (my friend’s real name) 

I emailed her back and my friend replied within my email.

(My friend’s real name, comma.) 

I am so glad you wrote to tell me what was wrong.  I’ve really been missing you.   

I’m so sorry you felt I was pushing you about (Dovely’s birth mother).  You’re right; I never meant to do that.  I thought it was good advice for you because of the troubles you’d told me that you had with her family interfering and that she had suggested to (Dovely’s half-brother of the same birth mother) that he might be able to go live with her one day when he was older.  You just seemed annoyed that they were coming over all the time and such.  I thought I was helping you.  I’m so sorry.  And so very sorry I caused you to feel that way.  At first you were, but then it just seemed to progress, to the point of I am losing total control of my own home, or at least that is the way I felt. It is alright now. 

I don’t understand what you wrote about turning you in…for what?  Is it about (friend’s second oldest son) being at your house last summer?  Remember—I didn’t even know he was being looked for (by the police) until you told me.  And I never understood how he was in trouble just for coming home anyway.  Is it what you told (Dovely’s birth mother) about the neighbors talking?  I thought you were just making that up as a reason to (Dovely’s birth mother) for her to not come around.  No, it had nothing to do with (friend’s second oldest son) I thought you were going to report me to foster care 

And if that is it, you needn’t worry about me or anyone else.  They teach us in the foster parenting class that is up to us as to how much contact with have with the parents, etc.  They teach us that we can mentor the parents on how to care for their children properly, etc.  (They won’t let you let the parents move into your home—some people have even asked if the could!)  Thank you! 

I am so glad you wrote to me and told me all of this.  I was really worried about you.  I thought you were depressed and such because of your boys and their legal problems.  Then I began to think that I had done or said something.  I even asked you so a couple of times, but I definitely understand your not wanting to tell me in person.  I have a hard time with telling people I’m angry with them in person, too.  A letter is perfectly fine with me because now I know.  Ain’t email grand!  I was and am worried about my boys, especially (friend’s oldest son name), and yes you are right it is so much easier online.

I felt l was coming over too much, too.  There were many times when I wasn’t planning on coming over at all, but (friends’s first adopted) or (Dovely’s half-brother by the same birth mother) would say please, please.  They were so cute about it—especially since I was coming over to see you and they would just be outside or whatever.  I love your kids!  I know now to say "not today" and mean it, too!

Do you need me to stop giving them popsicles or whatever when they ask me?  I’m okay with that, too.  May I still offer them when I have them?   No, I have no problem with you loving on my boys.

We have to go to Miss B’s after work and pick up a HUGE plant she has given to Hubby and then stop by Kroger’s for Halloween candy.  (We had our foster class on Monday instead of tonight.)  I hope you will bring your bunch around for "trick or treat" ing.  (Friend’s husband’s real name) has already picked the boys up from daycare and taken them to the church me and (Dovely) are going in a few minutes we will bring them by before we go eat.

I do love you and your family so much, (friend’s real name).  I see us being friends well into our old age.  I hope you do, too.  I love you too, and am glad you understand. We will always be good friends

I wish I could hug you right now.  You can later

Love, love ya (friend’s real name) 

(Token’s real name.) 

And then things pretty much went back to normal.  We didn’t have Dovely as often.  I’d visit when they asked me over or if I’d not seen her in a bit I’d call or go over and every thing seemed fine and the days go into weeks; and then I get this frantic phone call from her while I’m at work to please come to her house as soon as I get home from the office. 

I get there and my friend is so distraught and tense.  She tells me that she still has not been able to bond with Dovely.  She says Dovely bothers her and gets on her nerves in ways that her other children never did.  She tells me that she keeps Dovely in her crib…in her little room…with the door closed nearly all the time that she is home so that she doesn’t have to hear her.  She only interacts with her when Dovely needs feeding, changing, etc.  She tells me she doesn’t want to do this, but she can’t help how she feels and so she has decided that to keep Dovely from being so neglected she will stay at her regular day care while I am work, my friend will take her there and bring her home, but that when I get home in the afternoon she would like me to take Dovely to my home and keep her until the next morning.  That she wants me to pick her up on Fridays and return her on Sunday morning for church and then pick her up again until Monday morning.  And my friend is packing up clothing, toys, diapers, and things for me to take to my home with Dovely. 

And I am overjoyed!  Not just because we will have this darling child in my home, but also because we would be giving her all the attention she deserves, we’d be helping my friend through a horrible time, and that should we be approved Dovely will feel she’s always been with us.  That we are her home and family.  I feel so happy.  And excited.

I come home with a baby in my arms feeling like a new mother home from the hospital.  My husband and I are all over that child.  Talking with her, putting away her things, planning for the future. 

We are so happy.  I send this email to my friend the next day:

Dearest (friend’s real name),

So here I am at work and all I can think about is you and Dovely.   

I came home and told Hubby about your dilemma and that we might be having her every day as soon as I get home and until the morning before we go to work, the weekends, etc.  And he’s like so excited for me. 

I wish you could see him with Dovely.  He loves babies and totally flirts and plays with her.  He steps in whenever I need him to.  He is such a DaddyMan. 

So we’re gonna complete our paper work, etc.  I took a class in organization this week and learned some new stuff that is really going to help me get through all my stuff.  We want to be approved and that’s what we’ll be working for, but you know it’s Dovely we’re in love with.  She will be our goal. 

Also, I am much better housekeeper when I have a child in the house — just ask my (husband and son)! 

But…if we’re not approved and we could continue the arrangement with you, we’d love to!  Either way, if we adopt her or you adopt her, we’d still need you to help us bring her up to become a strong and wonderful woman. 

We also know that you and (Dovely’s birth mother) would want her to grow up with Jesus and we would depend on you for that part of her life.  She would experience the jewishness of Jesus with us and learn how much I love God in my jewishness, but we need you and your family to help her know and love your Jesus. 

With either outcome she’d also have her blood brother to grow up with.  We do want her to keep these relationships with (her birthmother, blood brother) and your family.  (Girl, with you having the brother and me having the sister — that has to make us SISTERS for sure!)  We don’t want to take her away from anyone that loves her.  I know you know what we mean. 

I’m praying for the best outcome for all of us and especially Dovely.

Much love, 

(Token’s real name!)

My friend replies:

(Token’s real name, comma.)

Please don’t get to far ahead, I am still not sure if (Dovely’s birth mother) will get her back or not. But, until all that is worked, I need your help keeping her for me. Right now I am just a bit overwhelmed with the girly thing. I don’t know why, I just am. I know that I can trust you to take the best care of her while we wait to see which way the ax will fall. But, in fairness to you I ask you not to put all your heart and soul into it, that it will destroy you, if things don’t work in favor of her being on this end with you or me. Please (Token’s real name) you must promise me this, or I can not let her stay with you like we have planned. I just couldn’t bare you getting all messed up if the judge rules in (Dovely’s birth mother’s) favor. You have to promise that you will love have and take care of her, but you will not get totally wrapped up like you did before. When I had to completely take her away from you. That was a very bad situation and I can’t bare it again, I know you can’t. Write back and let me know, I will check my e-mail as soon as I get back. I have to go get (Dovely’s half-brother) now.

Love you too (friend’s real name)

http://raptureready.com (friend’s real name)

I write her back:

(Friend’s real name, comma.)

I can handle you or us not having her.  I did miss her when you "weaned" me from her, but I handled it.  Your "weaning" was an excellent exercise for me to experience.  It let me know that I could also deal with any foster child that could be placed with us that we might have to send back home.  Bless you, (friend’s real name). 

I know that her future is up in the air and that it may not be the future you or I want for her (or (Dovely’s birth mother) wants for her.  Either way, I’m strong enough to endure it, and I love you for helping me take care of myself this way.

I’m just so pleased to be in the loop with her and that you want me to help you care for her.  (Being a "co-mommy" with you is just so awesome for me!) 

In the end, no matter who Dovely goes home to, I will always have you and your children to dote on. 

Love, 

(Token’s real name!)

And I receive this reply: 

That is such a blessing hear you say all that. We will work out the details when you get home this afternon. You have to keep the majority of this private remember.

http://raptureready.com (friend’s real name) 

Everything is going as she asked.  My friend is relieved to see me when I pick up Dovely and happy to take her from me and on to day care in the mornings.  A couple of days later I get this email.

(Token’s real name, comma.)

Please forgive me. but I can’t do what I have asked of you. I have thought it over and I made a terrible mistake. I can only do the weekend.  am sooooo sorry please come tsalk to me after work so I can explain.

http://raptureready.com(friend’s real name)

I do go after as soon as I get off from work.  Turns out my friend is afraid the neighbors will notice how much Dovely is staying at our house and report her to foster care, but she knows Dovely needs time with some one who loves her and cares for her as I do.  She has decided that we should pick her up on Fridays, bring her back on every other Sunday morning, and then every other Monday morning.  She thinks it’s best if Dovely goes to church at least every other Sunday so that the poeple in her church won’t be asking her questions. 

I tell her I am fine with this.  I admit that I would love to have Dovely as often as she first asked me, but I was in this to help her first.  She asks that I come over every day after work to visit with Dovely there so she won’t be kept in her room so much.  I tell her that would work with me. 

I went home and explained everything to my husband.  We discussed our worry of Dovely being in her little room so much, but what could we do?  We would step in as much as we could for Dovely and my friend. 

Everything goes as planned.  My friend is feeling better and better about Dovely with each passing day.  And I am not feeling the need to stop in every day.  She tells me just knowing she can call me over to help her has given her such relief that she is now beginning to enjoy being with Dovely. 

And Dovely is spending less and less time with us.  We miss her, but we know things are better for my friend and that everything is working out well.

A couple of days after we got back from Texas I could tell that the whole family was enjoying Dovely, not just my friend.  She was now a real member of their family, not just a child in their care.  I knew I was a part of this result and it felt good. 

Easter came and my friend called me over to take pictures.  Watching them all preparing to go church I knew that day that Dovely would never be coming to our home if we get approved for adoption.  Dovely would stay with my friend’s family and be their child (unless she did get returned to her birth mother).

And I was okay with that revelation.  My friend was better and my darling Dovely baby was being loved and well cared for as she deserved.  Already I was dreaming of a baby girl who might one day be ours. 

I helped to load them into the van and waved to them as they drove away.  Dovely did come over to my house that afternoon to take her afternoon nap with me (recall how sick I was then with that lousy virus).  I saw her again the next day after work.  I think that was the last time I saw Dovely or my friend. 

"The following arrived in my work email (continued)." 

I have not been a light to you, which I was suppose to be. And this makes me even less a light. But, I really believe that we are just too different. By your own admission, you don’t think either me or (one of my other friends) makes good parents. I remember vividly you saying that you had made the comment that if they can be foster parents, I know damn well I should be able to become one. I don’t know if you realized I caught it, but I did. So I know that your fellow workers don’t really see me in a good light. But that is okay, they don’t know me and they don’t have to know me. 

I have known other pholks who have become foster parents, but only two of my friends have moved on to adopting their foster children and this friend is one of them.

Another of my friends I honestly believe should have never been a foster parent.  She and her husband admit to having anger management problems.  I was told that they actually met each other in anger management therapy.  And I learned that soon after their foster children were placed with them they had to attend anger management therapy again. 

I saw these issues first hand, in public and private, regarding these foster children.  What I (and others) witnessed was comparable to what some of the reasons children were removed from their homes and placed into foster care.  So yes, I was shocked that they were foster parents. 

I’ll give them credit that they had some hard times with these children and they stuck it out for the long term —  but I also saw it from two sides:  These children had a better life as foster children with my friends than they would have had they remained in the birth home; but these kids may have been better served by other foster parents.  These friends are really good people and I love them dearly, but no, they should not have been foster parents.  I believe that they did do the best that they could.  And I do recall this conversation with my friend. 

The "…if they can be foster parents…" is exactly what I said — referring to this couple only.  The only couple I’ve ever spoken to her about.  She is in grave error when she assumes that "they" included her.  She misheard — or heard what she wanted to hear. 

Such an error type is not the first I’ve seen/heard her make; but that she assumes I would say something to her that I never even thought really hurts, you know. 

"So I know that your fellow workers don’t really see me in a good light. But that is okay, they don’t know me and they don’t have to know me." 

I have no idea where this statement comes from.  My friend has been to my office twice and my workmates were very pleased to meet her and her children (Dovely has been to the office many times). 

The two workmates that I shared this email with were totally taken aback by this statement.  They tell me I’ve never said anything negative about my friend and then continued to tell me how they enjoyed my friend’s visits, and how good the children were in the office.

One of these workmates also came to the big party we had last fall at my home, she even commented then on how pleased she was to finally meet my friend and was amazed at how good the children behaved at a party! 

They wondered at how my friend could make such an assumption as they hardly do know her, etc., etc., 

Until this email (and post) I never even commented on some of the differences my friend and I have regarding the care of children, but I talked about them with my work mates yesterday: 

- Because I live in an area with so many large and scary dogs, I would not let my children play outside unattended.  And because of these dogs my children would play in their own yard with the fence gates securely closed.

- I would not let my children play in the alley between our houses because it is still a street and was built for auto traffic.  There are no sidewalks bordering this alley. 

- I would not let my children leave their toys in the alley.  Yes, I’ve had to get out of the car on numerous occasions to move a toy off the road so I could get to my driveway (if the children are still out and playing I’d yell for them to come get their toy out of the alley — and you’ll never guess their response, "will you do it for me?").  

It’s the same when having to wait for the children to leave the road so we can pull into the driveway.  I have a lot of patience, but sometimes they do see us coming and yet continue on with their activity like it’s not their business to move out of the way. 

I have spoken to the children about their toys and playing in the alley, but I’m not their mother so they of course ignore me like any other child would. 

I would let my child ride a bike in the alley, but I’d be out there with them all OCD about what little traffic the alley does get — and maybe with some pepper spray and a baseball bat for any dog running loose and a threat to my child. 

- I would not let my children play in a pool unattended. 

- I would not lock my unattended children out of the house to keep them from coming in and going out repeatedly.

- I would not let my younger and smaller children play in a trampoline unattended and definitly not with my older and bigger child’s bunch of older and bigger kids. 

- I would not let my barely teenage child be responsible for my younger children.  Maybe one at a time, but not more than one.  It’s just too hard.  I’ve babysat groups of children off and on all my life and I can tell you it’s very difficult — especially when they are so young and of so many ages.  I’ve babysat my friend’s four youngest and I can tell you — it hasn’t gotten any easier! 

My friend grew up in our neighborhood, I did not.  I chalked these differences to her own history and experience, but I could never follow her lead if I had a child in our neighborhood, or any neighborhood.  These are just not things I would do.  Times have changed no matter what neighborhood one lives in, you know. 

My workmates were surprised to learn of these differences, but differences are not how they referred to these admissions. 

We, can remain friends but the friends that you are used to, that only come over once in a while, and can truly be delighted to see one another, on those occasional visits. I am trying to become more like Christ, and I really feel hindered and fake, and Jesus is not about either of those. I know He wouldn’t want me withdraw from you. But, if I am going to get my act together and be more like him, I must cut anything out of my life that causes me to have these feelings, and work on being more Christ like, and to learn to  deal with people, on a more loving level, that are different. Right now in my walk, I can not handle being in relationships with none believers. That includes several other people that have been close to me, that are not believers. I will be seeing them even less. And I hardly ever see them anyway. I know this seems harsh. But, I have to do, right now what I feel is best for me. I don’t know if it will be a long process or whether God will send me thru on fast track, He knows my heart. I can not be fake with Him. I can not pretend anything with Him. I won’t a close relationship with Him. He is far more important to me than any human relationship I have with people, that includes everyone. 

Okay, I’m Jewish…as was Jesus.  We jews do not deny that Jesus walked this earth only that he was not the Messiah.  We still await a messiah or a messianic age. 

We don’t need to pray to a Jesus to have a personal relationship with God.  We pray to God.  We talk to God.  We argue at God.  We thank God.  We bless God.  We love God. 

Our beliefs are quite simple ( I will admit some of our laws regarding our beliefs can be confining).  We know the ten commandments (which my friend has posted in her front yard) and we’re familiar with the 603 others.  The first two pretty much explain what and why we believe and carry on. 

And we don’t belittle those who do believe differently.  AND we don’t go about drilling Judaism into our non-jewish friends.  The closest we ever come to proselytizing is one sect Judaism insisting that their Judaism is the only true Judaism. 

God did not orchestrate this letter I did. So please don’t feel bitter towards Him for what I have said and done, in my human form. The God I serve is loving, kind,gentle,peaceful, and the list goes on, but he is also a God of judgment. He doesn’t play foolish games with us. He is real, He is all knowing, all powerful, and probably wouldn’t approve of this letter I am writing to you. If He doesn’t approve I pray He forgives me, and helps me to get through this quicker, so I won’t have to cut you and the others off for a long period. 

I don’t blame God for this letter.  I am not a fool. 

You have been a good friend. But for me to be the friend God wants me to be, I must go through training led by Him. I have already received good advice, from friends last night. That told me that I must apologize, for what I have done to you. So that is one reason I a writing, the other is I felt it was definetly right to apolgize. 

In Christ love

(my friend’s name)

http://raptureready.com (my friend’s name)

I didn’t feel this was a letter of apology while I was reading it.  I read statements that were not correct, I read assumptions, and I read she feels bad when I’m around and I’m to blame for it so I should stay away her and her family.  I felt anger and accusations.  The only clearly understood sentence I read in the entire email was "You have been a good friend."  I read good-bye, sayonara, so long… 

I sobbed and cried in the privacy of my workmates office.  And they’re asking what has changed in my friend’s life; that something has happened to cause my friend to write this angry hurtful email.  And  I answer that her oldest son did go to prison, but she’s known that was coming for months.  And we talk  and  I’m thinking and then I come up with, "She joined a new church a few months ago." 

And they’re thinking that this must be where it all begins because I suddenly realize that it was about the time she started going to this new church that she really became so much more insistent with her "witnessing" to me.  And maybe it’s these new friends that have convinced her to only surround herself with friends who believe as she does.  Maybe she is being indoctrinated, but let’s just hope and pray "she doesn’t drink the kool-aid." 

… Days have passed since I began this post.  I can tell you that when my hubby and I have driven past their backyard and driveway to our own on the two occasions that her children were outside they scurried into the house upon seeing us. 

No, I don’t think it’s paranoia because they don’t come back out later to play.  Our houses back up to the alley and when I’m in my kitchen for anything her backyard is empty. 

Yesterday, as we drove past, her husband was putting the children in the van.  I waved to him and he smiled back (his arms were full of toddler).  I wonder what she tells him. 

I wonder what she tells the children.  I wonder what I will say to the children if they ask me to come over for a visit with their mommy (as they did before)? 

I wonder how I will manage to return all clothing, toys, etc., my friend sent over for Dovely? 

I’ve received two emails from her since.  You know the kind with all the animations and kind sayings about how we’re still friends, etc., 

I don’t know how to respond to those either.  I do know that I don’t have go round and round like this anymore.

I know I was a good friend to her, but now I’ll just be a neighbor, I guess. 

I’m just giving all of this to the internet and God. 

Thanks,

u«ù ûo á

UPDATE:  This post was re-edited in an attempt to make it easier to follow.  (Thanks to those who made suggestions!)  It has not been edited in content — only in style.

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